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JWR 4.34 - Where in the World Is Pumpkinhead?

 


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From: John Lemut
Sent: Tuesday, November 15, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: Where in the world is Pumpkinhead?

 

Wendy,

I found this online.  I think you should be on the lookout.

John

 

Begin Message

 

After being released from his imprisonment on November 1, 2011, Pumpkinhead promptly violated his parole and disappeared.

Despite being a flight-risk, he was not issued a location monitoring anklet.

 

It is now feared that Pumpkinhead stowed away aboard a cargo ship and is headed toward a non-extradition nation. 

Authorities are asking for your help in locating Pumpkinhead.  If you see or hear from him, you are asked to contact authorities immediately.

 

Attached is an image of Pumpkinhead in his cell taken just days prior to his release.

 

End Message

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Wednesday, November 16, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: My ďTitanicĒ Moment

 

Dear Wendy,

 

Iím on this cargo ship since I canít book a flight or travel on a passenger ship because, technically, I wasnít supposed to leave the city.  Technically-smechnically.  Ever since my drug empire fell, Iíve been reeling, so I decided to stow away aboard the first ship I could.

 

I donít know where weíre going, but the crew members I befriended assure me wherever we make landfall, there will be plenty of drugs.  Weíve been passing the time ass-grabbing and playing dice.  When in Romeóor when in the middle of the AtlanticÖplay grab-ass when you canít get high.

 

I also have plenty of time to look out on the water and make plans.  As I said: I donít know where this ship is taking me, but Iím sure Iíll eventually make my way back home.

 

Yours in Christ,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: The picture Iím sending was taken by one of my new buddies when he took a raft out to check on any damage I might have caused when the captain let me take the controls for a few minutes on our way out to sea.

 

PPS: Iím itchy!

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Thursday, November 17, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: I'm so high right now!

 

Dear Wendy,

 

Oh, man, Iím so high right now!

 

Iím in Morocco.  We arrived last night and the first thing that happens is Iím taken to a hookah lounge.  Weíre not there for fifteen seconds before they offer us kif.

 

Kif is hashish and we all know what hashish isÖWeeeeed!  Who cares that this is a Muslim country?

 

I was going to complain about my unjust imprisonment, but now all I want is peace and love.

 

You know whatís a funny word?

 

Table.

 

Say is a bunch of times and it doesnít even sound like a word anymore.

 

Table table table table table table table table table table.

 

See? Oh, manÖIím high.

 

My eyes feel really irritated.  I bet theyíre red.

 

I met these really nice girls fromóI donít remember where theyíre from, but they seem pretty willing.  There are three of them. Iím sending a picture that one of them took of the rest of us kicking back in the hookah lounge.  The one wearing white is trying to convince me to get a tattoo, but I donít think thatís a good idea. As soon as you pierce the surface of a pumpkin, rot sets in quickly.

 

Watching God work,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: Iím really high right now. KIF!

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Friday, November 18, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: °Me Gusto la Mota!

 

°Buenos tardes, Wendy!

 

Estoy en Espaina.  I got here in the wee hours of the morning and we went right to a rave.  Here itís not like the raves in abandoned warehouses like Iím used to.  It was in, like, a hotel convention room.

 

After a couple minutes of pushing my way through the crowd, this chica caliente comes up to me and offers me a pill.  She calls it ťxtasis.  So I pop it in my mouth and after a few minutes I realize what it is: ecstasy!

 

Sorry the picture is so blurry, but we were just dancing and jumping around and grinding on each other.  I feel so tingly.

 

Iím not sure, but I think I ran with the bulls, too.

 

Spain is awesome, but my jaw is so sore.

 

Vaya con Dios,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: [Upside down exclamation mark]So thirsty!

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Saturday, November 19, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: France-Schmance

 

Bonjour, Wendy!

 

Comment Áa va?

 

Iím in fucking France and my Spanish rave buzz is wearing off.  If you like cigarettes and wine, this is the place for you.  Not so much if your tastes are moreÖexotic.  Thereís plenty of weed here, but it sucks because itís weak stuff.  These frogs donít care about quality or THC.

 

I met this dude, Pierre, who said heíd show me ďze real Pairee.Ē  More like ze yag Pairee.  We've been sitting at a cafe all day drinking coffee and eating bread.  Bread makes you fat!

 

Plus it stinks here and there's a big pointy skyscraper that they don't have the money to finish.

 

But I guess I have had some time to finally clear my fibrous strands and think: how did they catch me?

 

I think it was you.

 

As they say in France: Observez votre dos.

 

In Christian love for justice,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: In the picture I'm sending I had the garÁon at the photo place blow up the portion of the image with me in it and put it in ze corner.  The hat is called a beret.

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Sunday, November 20, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: Knockwurst

 

Guten tag, fraulein Wendy.

 

Iíll give you three guesses where I am...

 

Nein.

 

Nein!

 

Ja: Deutschland!

 

This place is awesome.  Thereís so much beeróor as they call it here, bieróthat Iíve forgotten about how crappy France was.

 

I tell you, these Gerries have the right idea: drink beer during the day and invade your neighbors at night.  Iíve considered backtracking and bringing a Panzer division with me into France, but I think Iíll keep moving forward.  I made a few friends here who promise me if I join them in their struggle, theyíll help me with mine.  They say they'll find me soon.

 

I donít want to talk about it too much yet.  Donít wanna jinx myself, butóhint hintóthese arenít the same friends from the picture Iím sending.

 

Iím going to let you go: I have to boot and rally.

 

Blessings,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: Deutschland, Deutschland Łber alles...

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Monday, November 21, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: Poland-Schmoeland

 

Witam, Wendy!

 

Iím in Poland and it sucks!  I was hoping Iíd be able to go west a little and visit the Netherlandsóspecifically Amsterdam.  But, no-oo!  Plus, my head is killing me from all that German bier I drank.

 

Iím at the mercy of the winds and I go where they want to take me.

 

At first I thought it would be okay here because they said they were taking me to a crack house.  It turns out they said ďKrakow.Ē  Itís a city.  How disappointing.

 

Iím glad I picked up some souvenirs in Germany, because thereís nothing cool here.  They took me to the city squareóthere are birds every-fucking-where!  And the people here are awful.  I keep getting dirty looks and I donít understand why.

 

Anyways, I had some Chinese take my picture in the square.  This is as good as it gets here in crack house, I guess.

 

Blessings always,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Tuesday, November 22, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: Nothing awesome has happened here for 750 years.

 

Greetings, Wendy, from the most depressing place on earth: Romania.

 

And I thought the Ukraine was bad when we crossed a small section of it to get here.  Oh, hell no!

 

Iíve seen, like, only one hot girl since Iíve been here.  I guess they exported all the rest of the hot ones to America to work in the adult entertainment industry.  I suppose if you want to buy an orphan in the hopes that she will grow up hot, it will only cost you about seven bucks.  You could probably talk them down to five.

 

Of course, thereís a chance that sheíll turn out to be a vampire.  And not one of those depressing, brooding, yaggy Twilight vampires, but an old school, harsh one.

 

I visited the Royal Court ruins where thereís a statue of Vlad the Impaler.  Not a warm attraction.  It felt very eerie.  Donít bring the kids.  I notice that Iím unconsciously leaning away from the statue in the photo Iím sending.

 

Thereís a Hilton Hotel not far from there.  And itís supposedly a really nice one, too.  What the shit am I doing at a dark ages ruin?

 

I get the feeling everyone here is a vampire.  The faces are so sallow, with deep set eyes and dead expressions.  I donít understand how they can walk around during the day, but I guess Banana Boat isnít hurting.  Iíve taken to stuffing nutmeg in my pockets in order to ward off any vampiric threats.  So far, so good.

 

In other news, I finally met up with those new friends of mine.  Or, rather, they located me.  They promise the next leg of my travels will be worth while.  I guess Iím famous over here.  Not infamous, as I bet youíre thinking, but actually famous.  There are important people in this part of the world who respect and admire me.

 

Iíll have big news for you soon.

 

Brightest blessings,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: Iím jonesing real bad.  The next place we stop has got to have something I can smoke or snort or inject or place under my tongue to dissolve and let it whisk me away.

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Wednesday, November 23, 2011
To: Wendy
Subject: Gobble Gobble

 

My dearest Wendell,

 

I have arrived in the promise land.  The land of Turkish hashÖTurkey!  This kush is everywhere.  Iím stuffing it anywhere I canóeven in my nethersóbecause I know weíre not staying here for long.

 

We went to someplace called the Blue Mosque.  Iím sending a picture of me in the courtyard.  (It kind of looks like the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.)  Iím not here for sight seeingóIím meeting my contacts.  I canít really tell you who they are but Iíll give you a hint:

 

It rhymes with Al Beta.

 

I told them all about my false imprisonment and they appear to be most interested in helping my cause.  The thing is I canít remember what I was so upset about.  Was itÖdid it have something to do with you?

 

Iíll think of it.  Obviously, they want something in return, and Iím more than happy to help them in any way I can.

 

Be Godís,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: Iím really high right now.

 

 


 

From: Pumpkinhead
Sent: Thursday, November 24
To: Wendy
Subject: Camaro Iraq-Z

 

Hello Wendy,

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

My new friends are already putting me to use.  Weíre in Iraq and I was in a riot!  We were protestingÖsomething.  I donít know what we were protesting, but I think it probably had something to do with the government or cover mints or maybe the environmentÖ

 

The Iraqis donít celebrate Thanksgiving, and I donít think theyíve ever seen a pumpkin before.  Not even the Great Pumpkinóthey hate Charles Schulz over here.  So, this is one Thanksgiving I wonít have to worry about getting my brains scooped out and baked in a pie.  They donít even have pies over here!  Can you imagine an entire culture without pies?  I just blew your mind.

 

Also, Iíve noticed that Jesus isnít really that big over here.  In Europe, He was everywhere.  It was kind of comforting, but here: not so much.  They have their own guy.  Iíd send a picture of him, but I canít find any.

 

Anyways, back to the riot: I think I brained one of the cops with a rock.  It was crazy.  Before long, the cops broke out the tear gas and shot canisters of it into the crowd.  Next time Iím in a riot, Iíll be sure to bring a gas mask.

 

Iíve been smoking that Turkish hash every chance I get.  Iím already running low and I thought I had enough for several days.  I think my new friends are a bit intolerant of my recreational activities.  Kind of weird; I thought they would be cool with it since they said they knew so much about me.

 

Maranatha,

 

Pumpkinhead

 

PS: How come you never write back?

 

 


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Copyright © 2011 John Lemut