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JWR/ 4.3/ Somehow, Satan got Behind Me







who caresÖ?



I saw a thing on the formation of Velvet Revolver and got more and more depressed as they kept talking about and showing Scott Weiland.  They kept showing his heroine-addled torso.

I had to explain to my 10-year-old niece recently the difference between narcotics and other illegal drugs and prescription drugs.  I canít explain how unfathomable it was to me that she was unaware that crack is out there.

Meanwhile, Iíve been hearing about drugs from people whoíve been doing them since I was her age.  Someone I used to look up to for so long would tell me when I was twelve or so about her experiences with drugs.  I talked to her the day after she tried acid.  She told me that she thought she should try every drug at least once. 

Iíve been to so many parties where people have been stuffed away in a room passing a bong around a circleóthen you walk in on them and first theyíre startled, then they invite you into the circle.  Iíve sat and watched joints and blunts being rolled and passed around, and I canít believe that Iíve never tried it.

She used to call me up, tell me she just got high and for me to come over.  Then, later, when she was coming down and didnít want to be touched, sheíd send me away.  And Iíd leave feeling like a fucking moron, but Iíd keep going back.  Itís clear I donít learn from my mistakes.

Funny, an STP song just came on the radio.

I really, really dislike potheads.  They piss me off so much.  I canít maintain a friendship with a pothead, man or woman.  First, because Iím not, they automatically assume Iím against pot and have to give me the speech about how itís not addictive, repeatedly.  Then if youíre ever lucky enough to be with them when one of those commercials about how weed reduces your reaction time, then they have to start on how thatís bullshit even though I already know that huge parts of those commercials are spun to make it worse than it really is.  Do you think physicists sit around and tell each other that E=mc2?  No, they donít because they all know it and theyíre not passing a j around so they know they all know it.  Oh, and potheads: not punctual.  No, Iím serious.  I canít tell you how often Iíve been stood up or been standing around waiting for a pothead friend.

I donít think the anti-drug messages did anything to help me out.  Even though Iíve never done drugs, I canít credit government funded messages and campaigns with that ďsuccessĒ story, because I donít see it as a success story.  It simply is, and I feel a twinge on embarrassment when people tell me that theyíve done this drug or that drug, because when they find out that youíve never done it, they see you as prudish or lame, and how does that make me feel?  I donít see them as stupid or foolish.

If I had to point a finger at a reason why Iíve not done any drugs, it would be because Iím scared that I would like them too much and wouldnít be able to stop myself.  Let me give you an example: a couple, or maybe itís been a few already, years ago, when we were going to shit clubs every weekend, I started smoking cigarettes a little.  I stopped wanting to bum them off friends and people I didnít know, so I bought a pack for myself.  Even though I didnít particularly enjoy them, I couldnít stop smoking them.  Whenever I had the chance, Iíd smoke a cigarette just because they were available.  I, a non-smoker, smoked a pack of Camels in two weekdays.  When I finished the pack, I decided to stop just because I started to like it, get used to it.

Crack and smack and coke and pot and fucking booze.  Jesus, it is so tempting despite the horrible things you hear because of the not so horrible things you hear. 

Some friends and I went camping in October and I got so drunk, Southern straight from the bottle, there are large parts of one night I donít remember.  Iíve never had that happen before and it wasnít a bad experience; puking aside, actually it was good time.  So, I got hella trashed and the next day everything was back to normal and nobody got hurt.  Would smoking weed be any different?  Or acid, ecstasy, coke or heroine? 

When I had surgery, the first night I was on a morphine drip.  I remember distinctly sitting awake pressing the button in my hand nearly constantly, waiting for the ten-minute increments to elapse when the machine allowed one more dosage to be pumped into my bloodstream.  I would have groggily and gladly killed myself if not for that failsafe.




Itís been several days since I started this Rambling and every time I come back to it, I get depressed.  Easy answers arenít answers.  Difficult answers only lead to more questions.  I guess the solution is to simply stop inquiring.




Several more days later: MotherFUCK



J             0             HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH             ďenĒ


ďPeanut butter and crack sandwich.Ē


ďSee, I think drugs have some done good things for us.  I really do.  And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor: go home tonight, take all your albums, all your tapes, and all your CDs, and burn them.  'Cause you know what?  The musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs.Ē


ďToday, young men on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration; that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively.  There is no such thing as death, life is only dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves.  Here's Tom with the weather.Ē


ďIt's not a war on drugs; it's a war on personal freedom is what it is, okay?  Keep that in mind at all times, thank you.Ē


I am too

connected to you

to slip away

to fade away

Days away I still feel you

touching me

changing me


considerately killing me



Cocaine cannot kill my pain

Like a freight train through my vein

Cocaine cannot kill my pain


Whiskey got no hold on me

Left them chains in Tennessee

Whiskey got no hold on me


Don't come knockin' on my door

Even that won't work no more

Don't come knockin' on my door


Heroin is the only thing

The only gift the darkness brings

Heroin is the only thing


Guess you'd best leave me alone

At least until these blues have gone

Guess you'd best leave me alone

-Steve Earle


And when you wanted me

I came to you

And when you wanted someone else

I withdrew

And when you asked for light

I set myself on fire

And if I go far away I know

You'll find another slave


Then a vision came to me

When you came along

I gave you everything

But then you wanted more



Copyright © 2005 John Lemut