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JWR 3.41 - Will you take me back?
I donít know why I stopped. I canít put a finger on a reason, a why.
And I would be the one to hold you down, kiss you so hard; Iíll take your breath away. And after I wipe away the tears, just close your eyes, dear.
I havenít been a good friend to a lot of friends recently. Iíve fallen into the paradox of not calling for a time and then not calling because I havenít called in a long time. What a fool, right?
Ripping and tearing and feeding and growing inside of me. I want this more than you know. And I need this.
My big pet peeve is how difficult it is to get people to change. They resist change because they are used to how things are even though change is progress and things get better and easier with change. Once they do change, they would never want to go back to the way things were before.
And despite all I say, Iím stuck in the not wanting to change mode. We find something we are comfortable with or become accustomed to and we donít want to change. They say donít rock the boat and we donít.
But I knowĖKNOWĖchange or die.
A long time ago I had intended one of my Ramblings to start off by me saying I was in love, deeply in love. I would say how perfect she was and go on about her and then I would start saying how the unfortunate thing was she was so far away and I saw her so seldom. The intended effect would have been that a particular girl would think it was actually about her and whatever sheíd think would be the point. Finally, Iíd say the reason it wouldnít work out is because sheís dead. Then Iíd reveal the person I was talking about was Audrey Hepburn.
Itís pretty silly to have a crush on an actress as she was forty years ago, but what are you gonna do? Whenever I see one of her movies on, Iíll stick around and watch it. Itís very fantasy perfect.
The idea of that Rambling was to have a profound effect on someone, but as time passed and feelings changed with time, the purpose of that Rambling changed as well and, finally, passed all together. After that, the purpose of the Ramblings changed as a whole.
Originally, originally, they were a way for me to keep in contact with a friend I met in River Falls: Melanie. I added other people to the list here and there but my purpose was just to keep me in her mind.
After we became better friends and then became less of friends, a lot of the Ramblings were written for a new friend, Amy. Today, Iím writing this for both of them.
I donít know why itís worked out the way it has.
The first time I visited Melanie, she took me to a party for a friend of hers. Why am I going to tell you that story? Itís dumb because the whole point of the story is to talk about a piece of foil I took and actually still have. But the thing is, you wonít care because itís unimportant. Who cares about a piece of foil except me? Itís the tiniest thing in the world. Because itís the only thing other than a couple post cards and memories I have of that whole fragment of my life.
And the only thing I have from Amy aside from emails is a vibrant painting on the wall in my living room.
You two girls are very different, but you both share a kindness and curiosity thatís endearing. Qualities that I know are rare.
The scary thing about being alone is the thoughts in your own head. Mind bullets.
This will decide the future of the Ramblings.
Will I continue or should I stop playing around and just bury them?
Parts of me want to continue, but other parts see no reason to. Is there a point anymore? The points that drove me at first are gone. Are the Ramblings the most effective thing?
What else is there to say?
And do you even care anymore?
I was in Chicago this week, which now seems like months ago. (It was months ago.) A lame conference with people I donít get. My boss is very big on talking to whomever you can at these things and gaining knowledge and creating relationships with people who are knowledgeable about various business aspects. I donít do that well. I would go to my hotel room between sessions and scribble a letter to Amy as a method to ground myself. The second night there, another coworker and I ducked out early and went to dinner alone. Iím not the only one who doesnít like these kinds of things.
Weíre at dinner and talking and all I can think about is how she and I arenít really friends, either. We work together and get along all right, but we just arenít friends. I suppose asking what makes you friends with someone is like asking what makes you fall in love.
What makes you fall in love?
Well, kindness and curiosity, I guess.
The ice is thin, come on dive in, underneath my lucid skin. The cold is lost, forgotten.
This wonít endear me to anyone and itís not much more than a faded hello or apology. But what am I sorry for? For everything and nothing all at the same time. I debate on even sending this. Is there a point to it at all? Is there? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or to put it my own way: if you donít hang your balls out there, they canít get sucked.
My last Rambling was late last year, if I recall correctlyÖHow does that lyric go?
This is the last song Ďtil you tell me otherwise. And itís because I just donít feel it anymore.
-Sixpence None the Richer
Weíre all zooted.
Copyright © 2004 John Lemut