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JWR 3.28 - All Within My Hands

 

So, I got this survey e-mail from a friend and thought I can make this interesting enough to turn it into a Rambling.  I deserve an easy one from time to time.  You know, back in the day, my friend Dan and I created ďThe Big-Ass SurveyĒ we compiled over the course of several days and it was some two to three hundred questions long and quite informative.  I donít have it anymore, but I kind of wish I could look back and see my responses.  Very few people responded to it, almost like nobody wanted to take the time to finish it.  I canít blame them.  Anyway...

 

1. What time is it?

      7/9/03 5:05PM, CST

 

2. Name:

      Serial Killa-a-a-a-a... come on, you know my name.

 

3. Name as it appears on birth certificate:

      Same as it appears on my Discover Card.

 

4. Nickname:

      Jebus... asshole, jerkoff, etc.

 

5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake:

      I didnít have a birthday cake this year.  I think the last birthday cake I had mustíve been when I was an early teenager.  This year would have been 25 candles, or two candles, one shaped like a 2 and the other shaped like a 5 placed on the cake in that order, facing the observer, from left to right.

 

7. Pets:

      None.  I donít feel like I should be responsible for anybodyís life except my own, and not even that one at times.

 

8. Hair color:

      Brown... ish, I guess.  Send me fifty bucks and Iíll send you a lock of hair.  I also offer a variety of clothing products for sale as well as candies I rub on myself.  So, tell me, are any of you considering buying this stuff from me?  I found this crazy ass website when I was doing a google image search at work that I investigated later at my house (thank you very much Websense) where this ďmodelĒ offered various things for sale like fingernail clippings, hair shavings, and, uh, used womanly things.  People buy that stuff?  Really?

 

9. Body Piercing/tattoos: 

      4 earrings, 2 tattoos

 

10. Eye color:

      Blue.  These questions are lame.  I mean, if this personís your friend, chances are youíre gonna know what they LOOK like.  I remember meeting a girl at night and we spent hours hanging out with a group of people outside with minimal light and when I saw her the next day, I had to be reintroduced.  She looked totally different.  Lighter.

 

11. How much do you love your job:

      How much indeed.  Letís slow down with that love stuff.  There are parts I like very much.  I enjoy a lot of the problem solving as well as the graphical work I get to do.  Iím not too fond of the hand holding I do to walk people through simple tasks like adding a column in Excel.  Once is okay, I can deal with that, but several times for the same person asking the same thing gets on my nerves.  And people say Iím not nice, but thatís not entirely true.  Iím not not the last time and thatís the time they remember.

 

12. Hometown:

      Racine, WI

 

13. Current Residence:

      See # 12

 

14. Favorite foods:

      Snyderís of Hanover pretzels, pizza... I like a good burger, medisterpoles with mashed potatoes and gravy is probably one of my all time favorites.  I doubt itís spelled right.  [MedisterpÝlse]

 

15. Been to Africa?

      What the fuck?  Been to Mepos?  Who thought up that question?  Nobody goes to Africa.  Thatís like saying, been to Afghanistan, or any of the other Ďstans.

 

16. Been toilet papering?

      Never, surprising as it is to me.

 

17. Love someone so much it made you cry?

      Yes.

 

19. Croutons or bacon bits?

      What the fuck happened to #18?  This kind of makes me wonder if maybe the person who sent this to me erased it because they didnít want to answer it.  When you get these surveys, itís almost like you must answer these questions and we feel like we canít not answer them.

 

So hereís my #18: What is the spelling of forensics?

      S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S: forensics.

 

20. Favorite day of the week?

      Sunday is my favorite DAY.  My favorite night is Saturday.  Quite clever of me, no?  I thought it was.

 

21. Favorite word or phrase?

      Shit... croutons, by the way, for #19.

 

22. Favorite Restaurant:

      Mama Miaís in Milwaukee.  Iím easy, give me a chunk of bread saturated with butter and garlic and Iím a happy guy.  That shitís good the next day not even heated all the way through.

 

23. Favorite flower:

      Lilac.  I just love the ambient and subtle smell they give off.  A couple blocks down the road from work thereís a couple Case (CNH, formerly Case Corp.) office buildings with lilac bushes lining the road and if you drive by the smell gets you and itís wonderful.

 

24. Favorite sports to play:

      Basketball

 

25. Favorite drink:

      Like alcoholic or overall?  These questions need to be a bit more specific, but not specific in that ďHave you ever been to Africa?Ē way.  I think ďHave you ever been out of the country?Ē would have more takers.  Not me, though.  Iíve never been out of the country.  Not even to America, Jr.  Iíve been to California and New York and Illinois and Minnesota... but not beyond the borders of the continental USA.  By the way, I like my fish baked.  And my favorite alcoholic drink is a Brandy Old Fashioned made by Mr. Greg Johnson and my favorite non-alcoholic drink is a Dr. Pepper.

 

26. Favorite ice cream: 

      Chocolate.  Just chocolate.  I eat other kinds, sure.  I like other kinds.  What I donít like are the ice creams with nuts in them, what the hell is that?  But plain old chocolate is for me.  The Neapolitan ice cream is okay, but you know how when you eat it, sometimes you subconsciously eat only one of the flavors, so when you realize that, you try to eat them all evenly, but sometimes thatís difficult because a single scoop may have some chocolate and strawberry and maybe a little vanilla to boot.  So youíre trying to be fair to all of them and keep them equally eaten, but then you realize that you were given more chocolate to start off with.  Actually, more vanilla usually.  If the Neapolitan comes from one of those round buckets of ice cream, you realize how impossible it is to have an equal amount of each flavor to start off with, but then if you get it in one of those rectangular boxes with precisely a third of each flavor, you know exactly how artificial it is and that takes away from the whole ice cream eating experience.  When you get down to those last few bites, you start to think about which flavor to leave for last, after all, that is the last thing youíre going to have linger on your taste buds, so youíd think it would have to be your favorite.  Of course, if you ask me what flavor I leave last, I couldnít tell you.  I think I actually leave strawberry for last, although it is not my favorite ice cream.  We know that itís chocolate, as we covered earlier.  I do maintain that the chocolate in Neapolitan ice cream is far different that the chocolate you get from a container of pure chocolate ice cream.  These are my thoughts.  Donít get me started on rainbow sherbet.  I practically have an aneurism when I eat that shit.

 

27. Disney or Warner Bros.:

      Neither.  Iím sorry, but I have a problem with adults who wear jackets and shirts with Tigger and Winnie the Pooh on them.  Adults who say things like ďTaz is so coolĒ give me pause.  Do I really have to pick one?  Warner Brothers, I guess.

 

28. Favorite fast food restaurant:

      Wendyís.  Those square patties make me giggle.

 

29. What color is your bedroom carpet:

      Shades of brown.

 

30. How many times did you fail your drivers test:

      None. 2 points only, some bull shit about not looking back enough when I was driving in reverse.

 

31. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail:

      Somebody offering me a bigger penis.  I love spam.  I love getting dozens of e-mails offering me bigger penises, free Viagra, lower mortgage rates, free teen snatch, septic tank cleaning, digital cable descramblers, debt relief, access to the NAPSTER of porn and, of course, reversing the aging process.  But I do love the proper grammar of the question, although ďgetĒ should probably be replaced by ďreceive.Ē

 

32. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card:

      apple.com  Whoís a big dork?  Me.  I donít think I would max it out at apple.com alone.  I guess Iíd say American where I could get a Mac computer, all the electronic devices I have dreams about as well as furniture and appliances.  There, thatís something that men and women can relate to.

 

33. What do you do most often when you are bored:

      Read, watch TV, jerk it, pace.  Just move along to #34.

 

34. Annoying thing people ask me:

      Oh, God thatís a whole e-mail right there.  How about simply to repeat myself frequently.  I donít mind telling you again if you didnít hear me, if it was windy out, if fireworks were going off, if this, if that.  But not every other sentence.  I like fielding phone calls from people I work with who ask me a legitimate question, and when I go to answer them, and they realize that Iím not saying what they wanted me or expected me to say, they stop listening and cut me off and ignore anything I say.  That, in turn, makes me stop caring about what they say and by the end I show exactly what I great conversationalist I can truly be.

 

35. Bedtime:

      10:30-11:00.  Whereís the wake up time?  This survey is pretty lame.  I donít feel like I know the person who sent me this any better, come to think of it.

 

36. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest?

      I feel a competition coming on.  I can tell you who wonít.

 

37. Who is least likely to respond?

      Uh... I can tell you who wonít.  I hope none feel the need to respond to everybody.  Donít get me wrong, if you wish to send this back to me with your own answers entered, thatís cool.  They donít have to be clever or funny.  Mine arenít.  Iíll read them and enjoy them just because they came from you.

 

38. Favorite TV show: 

      Family Guy.  Modern Marvels.  Simpsons.

 

39: Time you finished this e-mail:

      7/10/2003 11:12PM CST, although I did take a break, and pace some.  This is pretty long; it should count as two Ramblings.

 

John

 

Copyright © 2003 John Lemut