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JWR 2.52 - Who is John Galt?
This is supposed to be all about Nate. Not all of you know who Nate is and some of you know far better than I who he is. Itís strange to be able to, on the one hand, form some of your perceptions about Nate completely, and on the other hand, perhaps reinforce or cause you to debate my own views about Nate.
This was Nateís idea. Nate says I owe him a Rambling about him, devoted to him and all because we bust each othersí balls about a girl Iíve never met. So, this is for a girl? I guess. Maybe this is all just because I want to talk about Nate even though I have not a lot to say on the subject, especially this being the last Rambling of year two, a time when I should maybe be recapping, like last time I took little bits from each Rambling and did a montage. But there is no tradition here. There are no rules; I lie and misinform and used my powers for evil and try sentimentality and guilt and anything else to promote a reaction...any reaction from a people (and I include me in this, so please do not take offense) who are conditioned to not feel a reaction.
I could make Nate my god, I think. Strange for someone sporadically called Jesus to talk about making someone else his god, but I think I could do it. Whatís it take to be a god? Not GOD, but just, you know, god. Like your average run of the mill old timey god like they had back in ancient Egypt or Rome or Greece, when there were many gods.
Couldnít Nate fit those criteria? I do not know what the criteria would be, but I can make him my god. I can make anything my god; itís my rules I have to hold to and my rules are made by me. ĎCourse, if I made Nate my god, he would be in charge of making the rules, I suppose, and can you imagine what his commandments would look like?
1: Thou shalt never miss a Simpsons rerun.
2: Thou shalt keep me swimming in the beer.
3: Thou shalt... NOT ON THE LIST!!!
4: Thou shalt move from Arizona and live with me.
E: Thou shalt provide for me a blanket in your bathroom should I pass out there from imbibing in #2. (I canít believe I just had Nate use ďimbibe.Ē)
G: What are YOU looking at?
I: Iíll kick your asssss...
T: What do you mean I need TEN? Iím done now!
I donít exactly recall the first time I met Nate, nor do I recall my initial impressions. Itís strange, I remember my roommate and I did not particularly get along when we first met. Apparently he thought I was a big asshole based on some things I said regarding religion. Pish, whatever. Iím not sure how I felt about many of the people I still know when we first met. Probably because those first impressions, while difficult to shake and get over, are often incorrect especially if you actually get to know someone. I recently met a guy who I liked right away. Very nice, funny, you know, he would probably fit in well with my friends. Just an all around good guy, and I had a hard time hating him, even though I felt that I needed to hate him. He became my Lex Luthor as soon as he walked through the door. My antithesis.
But Nate, I do not recall. And then I wonder what his first impression of me was. I know, if you asked him, heíd say some joke about how he thought I was a dork. You know, something so far off the wall that you would know with utter certainty that he was just making it all up. Chances are, he would not recall as he was swimming in the beer at the time.
And what else can I say about Nate? Thereís a dark, malevolent side that lurks beneath the surface Iíve seen shards of, poking out from behind his eyes. The mistrustful part of him that called Amy because he knew I was lying but then again, is it true? He needed to find out. Got her voice mail: ďYou are so lucky.Ē Just busting your balls, now why donít you get your fucking shine-box, shine monkey? That darkness makes me respect him, and it also makes me wary. Little, evil, sick, demonic, hating, spiteful, deathly core. Heíll crack and hurt others. He wonít mean to, but heíll be unable to stop himself.
Iím not directly involved in that. Iím just the conduit, Iíve gone ahead and immersed myself in a little bit of drama, the drama I warned you about, yeah? All that time out, and now am I causing it again? Iíll extract myself, slowly so as not to disturb the others in the pool.
I know Nate and I are not great friends. We donít know each other well and may never. And thatís okay, you canít know everyone, you can have occasional friends. But I felt Nateís pain as he was prepping to move back here. I e-mailed him and tried to convey something and also give him some words of reassurance, but what do I know? I canít. I have nothing to give. So, Iíll keep my comments to myself especially about a subject that I do not know a few of the details about. In my head, the idea sure looks solid, but I donít know. Hell, in my head I figured Nate and Heidi would be married this summer, but as we all know, this was not to be.
I regret saying it because I know the wounds still bleed, but I had to say it. Thereís a Mitsubishi commercial whose theme song is the techno one that goes ďDays go by and still I dream of you.Ē Or is it ďthinkĒ? I think I like ďdreamĒ better. This commercial makes me laugh just before I turn it off. Not the product, thatís okay, but the idea that WHOLE DAYS have gone by. Wow. This motherfucker really must be in love. You mean to tell me DAYS--not minutes or hours--but DAYS!!! have gone by and you STILL dream of the same person? In case you canít tell, Iím being sarcastic.
I learn humility it seems, on a daily basis. But busting balls is what guys do. Itís how we bond. We make fun of each other and tease each other. If you can dish it out, you better be able to take it. And if you dish it out and get pissed when it gets shoveled back at you, then find another way to bond. Or just shut the fuck up.
Thankfully, not everyone is like me. I know Nate is not. We do share certain similarities, but we are significantly different. And therein lies a problem--not the problem, but a problem. If you see something to go for, do you change who you are to be like someone who has what you want so you may also have that thing? Who is John Galt? Is that proper usage?
No, itís not an apology, itís more of a...call it an explanation. Sorry for the trouble, miss. Please donít get up, Iíll let myself out. Thank you for the hospitality, have a nice day, maíam. Iím not really much of a conversationalist. That thick skin will come in handy, I think. Itís not what it seems, itís not truly all about you. Parts, yes; parts, no. Black and white does not exist. ďShades of greyĒ, as the song says.
ďBe seeing you.Ē
Copyright © 2002 John Lemut