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JWR 2.50 - THE GOOD, tha baad, And The Ugly

 

I understand now.  I finally get it.  At first I was at a loss to give any examples other than: I bought a house, a crappy answer simply because it has nothing to do with actual change other than a change of location.

 

But I have changed, and to look at it in this way, strikes me as somewhat remarkable.  Iím the same man.  I look very much the same.  My hairís a little different.  I donít sport chin whiskers anymore.  Same earrings.  Iíve lost the chain, recently.

 

IíM NOT THE SAME.

 

My opinions about my opinions have changed.  Itís rough to say, to admit a fault, but I used to think my opinions were right, and I think I thought they were right for you, too.  Example, my former views on religion.  If you were around to read those Ramblings you know what Iím talking about.  Hereís a quick refresher:

 

ďSee, to a Christian, the love of Jesus is a comfort, but to me, hearing about all that, it enraged me further.  It wasn't the messenger, it was the message.  'Jesus loves you.'  Well, fuck Jesus.  That's right and to damn myself further, God is a petty little fucking bitch.  I've said it before so I'm damned anyway.Ē (Johnís Weekly Ramblings: Week 7: One of the Flock)

 

And that wasnít all that long ago.  Now, things have changed some.  Some.  SOME.  sum.

 

iím not tha saame.

 

I may be reverting back to my high school days a bit, but wiser...maybe, baby.  I donít need to prove anything to anybody.  And I donít want to force any views on anybody.

 

I get the point that these Ramblings are in some ways invasions of your privacy in that if you read them, then perhaps I am laying the groundwork for MY My mi ideas over yours, but I have faith that your beliefs are like mine in that youíll hold to them unless you want to change.

 

I used to want you all to see my point of view, and that it was right, better, easier, more logical than yours if you happened to disagree.  I may have said differently, but I Lied LIED leyed.  The change began when a friend told me they went to church and immediately said, ďSorry, Jesus,Ē to me.  Thatís no way to be spoken to.

 

Iím not a believer.  Iím not a Christian.  Iím holding, Iím even behind where I was spiritually back then.  I used to have a sense of a Being, but not recently.  Iím not destitute or in pain or empty.  If anything, my emotional state is stronger, on the cusp of something...else.

 

My arguments against religion (ď...a crutch for weak minded people...Ē Gov. Jesse Ventura) were little tidbits of information that I somehow, somewhere heard, spewed out from me at you with no thought about proving them, backing them.  I was grasping at inconsistencies and using them as foundation blocks.  Itís okay, the anti religious do it and so do the religious.  Iíll stick by my view that there are aspects to religion, any religion, that are shortsighted or flat out wrong.  I can think that, I can say it, you can agree, you can disagree, I can change my mind.  Last year I wouldíve jumped all over the Catholic priests thing.

 

Iím not bowing out or backing down, Iím explaining a change.  A kinder and gentler me?  Well, I do lack compassion sometimes.  Iím working on it.

 

Iím not the same.

 

My mind is set on one thing.  And this battle, that can take down a yak at two hundred yards with mind bullets, promises to be the last battle...until the next one comes along.

 

REALIZE Real Eyes real lies

 

Maybe Iím apologizing one last time.  Maybe Iím making my plea.  Maybe Iím working you over because there will be a future religion Rambling.  I told you that I would never lie to you.  I told you that and it was a lie because, semantics aside, lies are often the truth.  Iíve never felt like this before: lie.  I have, but itís been some time and it was a different time and a different place.  The truth is: we all lie.  When we withhold information, this is a lie.  When we fib or exaggerate, we lie.  When we say things that are incorrect, we are lying.  When we beat a point to death, we lie.  Lies become truth.  If everyone accepts a lie, itís not a lie anymore.   Oh.  OOOH.

 

The only way to explain truth would have to be through emotion.  If you feel it, isnít it real, and isnít reality the truth?

 

Why do I feel the need to defend my state of faith?  I feel accused.  I feel eyes upon me saying, youíve made one step, now just make few more.  Come on, we have ice cream socials.  A nice activity center.  Cookouts and softball games against the Presbyterians.  The war drums beat in my ears.  The spirit moves me to dance for rain.  Snake handlers.  Chickenís blood.  Personal property as leverage.  Demons within me.  Mother nature.  Father time.  Resurrection.  Transcendence.  Reincarnation.  Regurgitation.

 

Faith.  faythe.  FAITH.

 

This man here--with hands that have never been manicured, with slightly bruised knuckles, with hair and veins adding texture to the epidermis, with scars from knives and pens, with lines on palms that mean nothing--does not understand what it is to have a leap of faith.  The term ďloveĒ does not compute as far as celestial beings are concerned.  The term ďloveĒ barely registers at all.  What is it?  what iz it?  WHAT IS IT?

 

This man here--with nearly a weekís worth of stubble, with metal implanted in his jaws, with an asymmetrical chin, with a sporadic desire for a deep scar on his cheek, with blue eyes, with forehead creases, with a mind that can be skewed--canít fathom a world without this conflict.  This keeps us going, he thinks.

 

Iíve said before that I never wanted to be anybodyís anything.  Thatís a lie.  You hope to be able to pick and choose to be somebodyís something, but it does not work.  You do not choose who and what.  When it happens, you reject the notion of being that, you try to convince yourself that you donít need anyone, you try to shield yourself from these difficult things but still it remains.  Me thinks thou dost protest too much.  And itís true.

 

The world causes me to change and I try to change the world.  BUT YOU CANíT CHANGE THE WORLD.  yes, u kan.  TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, YOU CANíT.  I donít think itís about changing the world at all, rather changing one thing, external, internal, the act of change is the goal and the eventual victory.  when i had my first reel kiss, a lot of people witnessed it.  i came up 4 air and looked around 2 c faces looking, sum turned away, odd xpressionz, blank xpressionz, smilez, frownz.  i felt stronG at that point, bigger than anyone else.  bigger than her, even.  then i went 2 lunch and within a couple hours that feeling left me.  all iíve been trying 2 do is get back there again.  that feeling.  that state.  YOU DONíT WANT TO GO BACK THERE.  YOU HAVE A NEW GOAL, YES?  THEREíS SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT TO FOCUS ON.  THINK ABOUT WHAT IT MEANT BACK THEN, AND THINK ABOUT THE JOURNEY TO HERE, NOW.  ALL THE SHIT, ALL THE TEARS, ALL THE BLOOD, ALL THE EVIL, AND ALL THE GOOD.  YOU DONíT REALLY WANT TO GO BACK THERE AND EXPERIENCE THAT FEELING.  THAT WAS THE FIRST: IMPORTANT.  BUT YOU REMEMBER THE LAST ONE BEST.  Iím the quiet one, but the only one that any of you hear, truly hear.  All their thoughts flow out through me.  What I want.  What I need.  What I desire.  Ignore the greedy, childish one.  Ignore the reasonable, sensible one.  Meet me in the Center CENTER sentir and weíll do something special.

 

John

 

ďIím not the same

Iím not the man I used to be

(You wonít hate me)

Iím born again

Iím not the same

Itís the same olí sayingĒ

-Days of the New, ďNot the SameĒ

 

Copyright © 2002 John Lemut