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JWR 2.48 - Apathy & Lethargy
Charles Grodin sucks balls. He was funny for about two hours in 1988 when he starred opposite Robert DeNiro in Midnight Run, but aside from that, he sucks. Balls. You are the ones who are the ball lickers.
This is the guy that starred in Beethoven and Beethoven’s 2nd but opted out of Beethoven’s 3rd for some strange reason.
You may recall he had his own talk show on CNBC or some other bastard cable channel for a short time before the programming executives actually SAW it and pulled the plug once they came back to consciousness.
But that’s okay, people who have made suck ass movies or have had suck ass talk shows can still be okay. I mean, Brendan Fraser has made two, maybe three good movies ever and I still like the guy, I just make sure to bring a barf bag in with me. (Neither of the Mummy movies were good, by the way.)
They gave Magic Johnson his own talk show and it sucked. I saw it a few times and it just wasn’t any good. But he’s still around and kicking like a business man. His HIV is undetectable which makes me wonder. I think that whole thing was a conspiracy to give hope that AIDS is curable. I have heard about no other HIV-positive person’s disease going into an undetectable state. Although you really don’t hear too much about AIDS anymore anyway. The late eighties and early nineties it was everywhere. I don’t even see red ribbons around anymore. It just goes to show that we’d learn to live with three legs given a decade or two.
Where was I? Oh, yes, Charles Grodin sucking. Grodin’s current position is as 60 Minutes II’s version of 60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney. Basically, he’s the guy who does a small commentary at the end of the program. Jerry Springer wraps his shows up with a commentary which basically states every time: “People, you watch this show specifically to see the craziest and most ignorant motherfuckers on Earth talking about the most vile shit. We laugh, we fight, I take home my sack of money and get a prostitute or two and then we do it all again. I don’t force people on the show, I merely entice you with a couple c-notes. Nothing wrong with that. Take care of yourself and each other.”
Sometimes local news stations will allow an old guy, usually the station owner or a political figure, to deliver a commentary with the caption “COMMENTARY” flashing on the bottom of the screen and a blurb before and afterwards indicating that the opinions expressed during the following or preceding segment are those of the commentator and do not necessarily reflect those of the station or it’s sponsors.
One night, shortly after the winter Olympics thankfully ended, I was watching 60 Minutes II which had some fairly interesting investigative stories before the show’s final segment which was when Charles Grodin was introduced. The picture shifts to a shot of Grodin sitting on the edge of his desk like he was nonchalantly on his way out but decided to grace us with his comments before going to wherever.
He talked about curling, the ancient Scottish ice sport that we were all introduced to, apparently, this Olympics which I actually sat and watched large chunks of from time to time with my mouth open in awe as drool ran down my chin and onto my Dockers shirt. “You’re not really awake and you’re not really asleep.” He wasn’t actually talking about the sport, per se. Rather, he yapped on and on about where retired curlers go and do after curling and what else they do and this and that and it was just the most pedantic thing I have ever witnessed.
I know that it was supposed to be funny. I know that he was trying to do a Rambling, but it just wasn’t working.
Allow me to take a moment or two to answer his questions: They don’t actually retire from curling. Curling is a hobby, not even a sport. It’s like yard darts, dammit. They curl after their real jobs as the Olympics are for amateurs, or are in theory. Who did you have to blow to get this job?
Obviously the producers of 60 Minutes II do not bother to proof what he’s going to say, otherwise I think they might pipe up with, “You know, Mr. Grodin, while you raise some, uh, interesting points, perhaps you could talk about something else like...what happened to cherry flavored PEZ. Or why are there so many different scents of candles when they all smell the same, if you are going to try and be funny.”
I find these commentary segments and the opinion page of newspapers very unnecessary. Let me tell you a story: a couple months ago I was home for lunch and was done checking my email on an alternate account whose homepage had a discussion section. I’ve never really been in one of them before so I checked it out and looked up a couple discussion threads on subjects like The Simpsons and religion. As I began reading them, trying to wade through the poorly written statements, I realized there was nothing for me here.
I realized that these are just people I have never met and will never meet who are arguing a point back and forth about Mr. Burns or about Christianity. I don’t need that shit. It simply did not matter what they said. It’s too bad that the internet has given EVERYONE a voice because no one has anything to say. “Why can’t we just shut the fuck up and comfortably share silence?”
I’d be more apathetic if I weren’t so lethargic.
I’m very aware, by the way, of the irony contained within this Rambling as I complain about what are essentially ramblings themselves. I rebut that by simply saying that you can be like me and ignore crap like this. Who the shit wants to read the opinions of some dork like me? Not me. Shit, I forget about these as soon as I send them out. Then I’m all like, hasta la vista, baby.
Actually, I just recently finished reading “John’s Weekly Ramblings, Vol. I.” Oh, it exists. So, yes, the irony is there. So what. Irony schmirony.
Irony is good for you, it helps your blood cleanse itself and assists in making more, especially after blood donations.
Copyright © 2002 John Lemut