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JWR 2.46 - Trust


Itís almost like my birthday.  Almost like Christmas.  Nearly like New Yearís.  Itís kind of like all of them, yet so different.  Like the first day of school.  Like that job interview.  Like that first drop on your first roller coaster ride.  Like...something.


What is it that we need?  Why is it that when we get what we thought we needed, we still want more?  Why are we never wise enough to know when to stop?


My boss is big on writing things he needs to do down as a task and then he crosses those tasks off from his list as he accomplishes them.  Iím being trained to do that.  I never did that before.  I mean, sure, I used to forget a lot of things and miss appointments and opportunities, but those I remembered and showed up for were the ones, right?  Well, thereís no way to truly know.


But I also know thereís no way to do everything you want or think you should do.  Thereís simply not enough time.  Some people set tasks for themselves to do something new every day, even if it means breaking taboos or the walls of their own sensibilities.


I have a lot of respect for those people, especially since Iím not that way.   Iím unsure of how to describe myself in this respect.  Iíd prefer to leave that to others, but I donít want to know, and I also donít want them saying it behind my back.  Itís funny; Iím funny that way.  But my sense of humor is not always universally accepted.  Huh.


I laughed really hard tonight.  My friend and I were just watching a movie and then a TV show and something struck us as funny and I laughed so hard, I cried and was unable to catch my breath for a time.  This weekís been off a little.  Treading water would be a phrase to describe it, I guess.


I understand that Donald Trumpís autobiography has the word ďIĒ an average of twenty-seven times per page.  Thatís a lot of Iís, I realize I say "I" a lot, too, but this is first person, so thereís a reason for it.  Itís not like Iím self-centered, right?


We trust everyone...at least to an extent.  We trust other drivers every time we go out on the road.  We trust those on the other side of the street not to run into us head on.  We trust those behind us to stop before hitting us at stop lights and stop signs.  We trust pedestrians not to jump off the sidewalk into the street as we zip by.  And they trust us to not hop the curb and plow into them.


We trust cooks at restaurants to prepare our food properly when we go out to eat.  We trust from the lowliest person in the lowliest job to the highest person in charge of deciding to launch or not to launch nuclear weapons who, in turn, trusts kids not to screw up and prematurely launch one by accident.  Nuclear weapons.


But whatís that one kind of trust thatís beyond all the others?


So what, exactly, are you trying to say, John?


Well, thatís the thing, I donít know.  Did you know my friend Jeff proposed to his girlfriend a few weeks ago and I donít even know if she accepted.


Oh, whyís that?


He hasnít called.


Well, why havenít you called him?


Itís funny, I swear: every time Iíve attempted calling him in the past week all circuits have been busy and I donít know his apartment number.  While I am aware that there are other ways to obtain this type of information, I havenít.




Well, that is the question of the night.  I wonder how many times I will hear or will say ďwhyĒ within the next couple days.  I hardly think any, yet, perhaps itís all Iíll say or be asked.


Well, good luck.


No.  Itís not about luck.  Itís about trust, I think.  I think.  Itís about spiritual humps and road blocks.  Itís about hurricane.  Itís nothing and it is something.  Itís weird.  Itís just friends, yeah?


I donít know.


Thatís why.




Yes, youíre a great conversationalist.


Donít worry about me, worry about you.


Thatís the point: I shouldnít have to worry.  I mean, itís there, but itís not the point.  The point, and Iím anticipating your next question, is seeing.  Changes and rearranges may matter, they may not.  Thereís no sense in worrying about it until it happens simply because all this ďpreparationĒ work can get tossed out the door in a minute if one tiny factor is changed.


I understand: itís like limiting the access to ports on a firewall, right?






... ... ... No...No...Shit no, man.  Itís like nothing else simply because itís different from anything else.  See, computers are machines and their reactions can be predictable and anticipated with a scientific degree of certainty.  People are people who react differently to the minutest detail: a look, a work, the weather...


Sounds frightening.


Yeah, it can be, but this is why we canít focus on that alone.  Thereís something to be said for jumping into a situation, you know?




Yeah, just let go.  As a mentor once told me: Let it Flow.




It came on like a hurricane

And I donít understand

And it moved me like a slow dance

Still I donít understand


You pulled me out of the past

And landed me in today


You pulled me out of the past

And walked me into tomorrow



-Natalie Imbruglia ďHurricaneĒ


And itís okay.




Copyright © 2002 John Lemut