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JWR 2.33 - Hey, Now, You're an Asshole, Go Play...

 

So, due to demand (not really HIGH demand, or POPULAR demand), I’d like to announce the return of the Ramblings.  Are ya still with me?  Did ya miss me?  What?

 

In honor of High Fidelity I’d like to list the top 5 suckiest bands/music groups of all time.  In no particular order:

 

1) Blink 182

2) Dave Matthews Band

3) Staind

4) The Beatles

5) Smashmouth

 

There are others that should be on this list like Creed-post 2000 and the boy bands and The Beastie Boys, but today these five suck the most.  They’re the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

 

Blink 182 (much like the Beastie Boys) are like the band that your friend is in.  You listen to them because you have to because they are your friend, despite how much they suck.  The funny thing is (like the rest of the sucky yet popular bands is that people know they suck.  Blink admits that they suck and wear it like a badge and people think they’re somehow cool and revolutionary and hip because they admit they suck.  Take that weak-ass high energy crap they call music and actually listen to it and you’ll see why they know they suck.

 

Why I hate Dave.  Do any of you know who George Clinton is?  No, he’s of no relation to Bill Clinton.  First of all, George is a very black man.  George Clinton and the P Funk Allstars are a music group.  They play very long songs in concert, much like Dave Matthews Band.  Now, ask yourself why you’ve heard of Dave and like them (because you do) but you don’t know or like George.  It’s because Dave is so fucking good?  No.  It’s because Dave and his shit music can be marketed.  I won’t take anything away from either the musical abilities of his band or the amount of skill, emotion, strength and desire it takes to play for an hour nonstop, but if you made Beethoven play some crap like “Tubthumping,” hey, it’s still Beethoven...he’s just playing shit.

 

Staind.  Just Thursday I asked myself what I had against Staind.  And I guess I wasn’t sure.  So I sat through a Pure Rock Block of Staind (that’s 3 consecutive songs to those unfamiliar) and I now know.  It has nothing to do with the lead singer looking like Babyface Nelson from that old Bugs Bunny cartoon.  It simply has to do with the weak, weak music and the cheap lyrics.  “It’s been a while...”  “Fade...”  What?  What?  What crap.  And there is such little difference between each song.  I have--had a mandolin that I was able to play the stain baseline on.  Which Staind baseline? you ask.  THE Staind baseline.  You know what else, they’re depressing for no reason.  Even a group like the Pumpkins who were SO depressing in their music, or Nirvana, you get a sense of a dynamic within any one song that lends credibility to the emotion of the song.  But Staind is like: I’m sad, but don’t have the power to be angry.  Buy my record.  Or don’t.  I can’t care.  Too many Quaaludes.

 

Why the Beatles?  You know, George Harrison just died.  I was wondering when the news was going to focus on its first post terrorist attack dumb ass story that you shouldn’t care about.  I mean, The Beatles are all right.  Some okay music.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if I was the only one on the planet that didn’t have a Beatles CD or album.  Wouldn’t care, either.  Fuck the Beatles.  Two down and two to go.  My only hope is that Ringo is the last one standing.

 

Smashmouth?  You don’t like Smashmouth?  You know, I actually went to a Smashmouth concert.  Yep, it was my first concert.  I popped my cherry really late in the game.  My first and by far, the worst.  It was Smashmouth and Third Eye Blind.  Two bands that I would not cross the street to see.  There was that commercial about a year ago by now, I guess.  Some kid was sitting in a chair in an empty auditorium and on stage were dozens of musicians.  It was for Apple’s (Macintosh) CD burner.  And that kid was all asking the different artists to play certain songs.  The kid says, “Hey, Smashmouth?  Can you play ‘All Star?’”  And fat boy is all, “No...Just kidding.”  Of course this is where I come in: “Oh, wait, biggie, never mind.   In fact, why don’t you waddle off stage and send in Sevendust on your way out?”  Smashmouth is about as original as Puff Daddy.  I mean, who remakes a Monkees’ song, among others?

 

You know, I get a magazine called Stuff, but I have three things that I hate about it.  And in my most recent issue, I can point them all out to you.  First: There’s a full page add for Tommy Hilfiger cologne aptly called “T.”  I have a very serious problem with Tommy Hilfiger.  First, the picture is of this guy who’s wearing a Tommy shirt, Tommy pants, a Tommy belt and Tommy underwear because he has some problem keeping his pants up, like we all used to.  I just don’t like people that wear all the same brand, especially if it’s advertised on the clothes.  And the majority of Tommy clothing is either very simple (as in it looks exactly like K-mart clothes) or it’s simply ugly as shit.  Now neither of these Tommy himself has to answer for, rather the chuckle heads who buy them do.  Explain why you’re paying so much more for the Tommy logo.  Please.

 

Of course, my big problem with Tommy is that he’s an admitted racist.*  That makes me ill.  Tommy’s color scheme is red, white and blue.  Do you think that Tommy clothes would be so popular if his logo was a red, white and blue swastika?  No, I highly doubt it.  I personally think no black, Hispanic, Asian, etc. person on the planet should wear Tommy anything unless they stole it.  Now, you white folk can wear as much Tommy as you like...if you believe America is about whites.  Is America about white, or is it about being fair to people?  Prove it. 

*[This isn't true, it turns out. Sorry. link]

 

The second reason I don’t like Stuff is because of their “A Guy and His Stuff” feature on Steve Harwell this month.  In case you were confused, Steve Harwell is the remaking artist front man for Smashmouth.  I just don’t like the attention this no-talent gets.  And his stuff is crap.  Golf clubs, Coors Light, Tiger Woods 2001 for PS2...I mean, what kind of shit is all that?  That’s crap.  You wanna hear my stuff?  Tough: Dr. Pepper, Wal-Mart multi-tool, Sevendust Animosity, Fight Club DVD, pool table, Family Guy.  Take your Coors and go.

 

And the third (and most painful) reason I don’t like Stuff: this month they rate Sevendust’s new album at 4 out of 5 stars.  Clearly, Animosity is a 5 star disc where Sevendust steps up to the plate and proves how much talent they have, but a 4 rating is not bad.  The two things that bother me are: 1) they rate Lenny Kravitz’s disc at 4 stars, too, and Lenny is only slightly more creative that Smashmouth.  But at least Lenny has skills on the guitar.  The kicker: 2) Stuff compares Sevendust to Staind: “Like Staind, these guys inject industrial doses of soul and melody into their grinding metal assault....”  First, Staind does not know how to perform a grinding metal assault.  The only thing Staind knows how to grind is coffee beans from the time they spent working at Starbucks.  Second, there is very little about Staind that is melodious.  I can do a fantastic impression of Staind and I can’t sing at all.  Why?  We both suck at music and should stick to things we are good at.  What?  I don’t know.  Third, “...industrial doses of soul...” makes no kind of sense.  Stop trying to sound so smart.  Say it: Animosity it the most musically advanced Sevendust album to date, taking nothing away from either of their previous kick ass discs.

 

Aside from those three things, there are many, many things I like about Stuff.

  

Homerisms: “First you tell me not tot get it.  Now you tell me to take it back.  Would you make up your mind?”

 

John

 

Copyright © 2001 John Lemut