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JWR 2.16 - Sometimes I Feel Like a Nut

 

Well, thatís one roll of crappy Scott t.p. down the drain--literally--and a mere three to go.  I will keep you apprised.

 

Today Iím in a bad fuckiní mood.  Not like a pissy mood, but a bad fuckiní mood.  Although, Iím not paralyzed like the Droz or Christopher Reeve.  Things are okay.  Itís just there are days here and there that suck for a specific reason.  I have a specific reason.

 

But first, let me reveal three things about myself that make me as original as I am.

 

1) I have always sworn.  I remember vividly sitting with Kenji [redacted] on the bus on the way to kindergarten in the seat directly behind the bus driver as the two of us would just make up these swear-sentences reminiscent--shockingly reminiscent--of what Scott sounds like when heís drunk or what Jeff sounds like daily.  The bus driver loved it.  He busted a gut.  He was my second favorite bus driver.  My all-time favorite bus driver was Jerome who drove my afternoon bus when I was a sophomore, I think.  He was just about the coolest guy I ever met.  Now, I only saw him for about half an hour on weekdays for a school year, and I realize that after you spend time with someone, they get to start sucking, but Jerome was the epitome of cool.

 

2) I have always known about sex.  I, of course, didnít know EVERYTHING, but I had a very clear idea.  Letís say that I never believed in the stork.  I once actually tried to kick a stork when I was five because I thought it was posiní.  (Only joking.)  Letís just say that I knew what a vagina was before I knew what it was called--I thought it was called ďChinaĒ--like that country and plates.  I didnít snicker during sex-ed in elementary school.  Well, I laughed when we were allowed to name off all the nicknames we had for the penis.  That shitís still fucking funny.  So, maybe I was ahead of the game there.

 

3) I have always found the opposite sex attractive.  I can remember in preschool I had a little thing (big thing these days) for Penny and Michelle.  I remember my oldest brother Ericís girlfriend whose name was Pam--I had a thing for her when I was about seven.  That was back when I couldnít understand why I couldnít have her.  (Ironically, I still have that lapse in knowledge to this day but, of course, in reference to other ladies.)

 

So, to sum up: I always knew I wanted for fuck girls.

 

Or, in reality, Iím beyond the ďfuck Ďem and fleeĒ attitude that some people I know do or did have.

 

So, why the fist of rage?

 

I should not be bothered by this I have decided.  But I am.

 

I really dislike being thought of as gay.

 

BECAUSE I AM NOT.

 

It should not matter in this p.c. world of ours--and I donít mean the Acer monitor youíre looking at.  I mean, it shouldnít matter that someone is gay or not.  But it does.  I wonít mince words.

 

Personally, I have not one problem with gays.  I know gays.  I talk to gays.   I have hung out with gays.  It just so happens that I have no current gay friends--that I know of--Big Gay Ray, I look at you.

 

I have friends that vehemently dislike gays.  I may not agree with this point of view, but I can understand it.

 

My friend Zach thought I way gay at one point.  This was actually at a time I was trying to mack on his now-wife, Lynn.  They thought I was gay.

 

Today at work I find out that two of the bitches I work with think Iím possibly gay which, I must say, is why I am in my mood.  I pressed them for a reason (or reasons) as to why I came across as gay, and what did I get?  I bunch of nonsensical bullshit bitch-talk.  Which I should be used to, but I am not.  Maybe because I never come on to them.  But I have my own reasons for that.  Looks is the big one.

 

Do I have to bang some random bitch to be thought of as straight as an arrow?  I thought about interrogating my friends.  Have you ever thought that I may be gay?  Have you ever caught me looking at your or any other manís buttocks, crotch or eyes?  Do you think I am too sensitive?  Then I thought that this might make me sound paranoid.

 

And, besides...IT DOESNíT MATTER WHAT YOU THINK.

 

I have to tell you that the only other time that someone thought that I was gay gave me this much inner trouble was when my old friend Ericís sister Nicoleís friends thought I was.  But I wasnít concerned with them, only Nicole.  But ďDo you think Iím gay?Ē isnít the kind of question that you can ask a fifteen-year-old girl.  At least I donít think you can.

 

If thereís nothing wrong with being gay, why am I so pissed?  I mean, I have no problem with movies that have a gay character.  Seeing two men kiss on TV or a movie is not a big deal to me.  It neither floats my boat nor disgusts me.  I kinda feel like Adam Sandler in Big Daddy: ďWhat?  Theyíre gay; thatís what gay guys do.Ē

 

Shit, Iíve been kissing my Yugoslavian uncle since I was two.  I kissed Zach at his wedding.  (I kissed his sister Emily, too.)  Hell, Iíve even kissed Scott, the tactile motherfucker.  To be fair, these were not deep kisses.  Just cheeks--face cheeks (except Emily).

 

Do I appear gay or is this just some shit people say to get a reaction out of me.  Itís no big thing to act gay when youíre with your friends.  Itís a sign that youíre good enough friends to break down a taboo and act like a gay man.  Be a man and act like a gay man.

 

The steel workers are gay, you know.  Keep reaching for the rainbow.

 

If I was a woman, I know Iíd be gay.

 

Actually, if you could take away all the physical contact, I could be gay.  (But am I alone in wanting to nail the middle Hanson kid?)

 

I think my tastes as far as women go are not exactly classic.  And I think saying that is about the gayest thing I have ever said.  I see no rhyme or reason with the women I find attractive.  Except maybe a reality within them.

 

Iíll say that I can find a sixty year old woman very attractive and I can find a thirteen year old girl attractive.  Of course, this is like the bell curve: the numbers taper off on the ends of the spectrum.  I was at the mall last weekend and there were tons of high school girls there.  And there were none that I found very attractive outside of looks and that makes the whole then just unattractive.  But there was that sixteen-year-old that refilled my popcorn a couple months ago.  I was ready to marry her when she asked me if I wanted butter-flavoring.  Well, not really.

 

Then there was the seventeen-year-old that fitted us for our tuxes when Zach got married.  She may have gotten BGRís inseam, but she had the eyes for me.   See, but Iím a chickenshitfuckingpussyasshole.  Iíd never ask a teenager out.  For two reasons: 1) Theyíre teenagers.  Not only is it a recipe for jail time if things go too far or bad, but because theyíre teens, there is a huge amount of time between someone like me and someone like them.  Itís like dog years with sexual attraction.  2) I would have a problem not only facing her parents as I go to pick her up, but Iíd have problems everywhere I went.  Iíd feel like a goddamn pervert.  Hey, look at me, Iím on a date with a girl thatís missing Felicity to be with me.  Donít forget to put in your retainer.  Christ.

 

I guess you could do like Scott and date a girl that looks a lot younger than she is.  See, I say that and I know theyíre both mad now.  But I like Marie.  Me and Marie had a big talk the first night we met.  She told me about her dream guy and I told her about the girl I met and how much I liked her.  This is the reason I didnít go for Marie back then.  Instead, I take credit for setting her and Scott up.  And I would take it as a personal insult if they ever broke up.

 

So, I guess I can plainly say that I had a crush on Nicole.  Yeah.  Iím squinting so the words donít seem so big on the screen--oh, I should change the size from 32 to 12 point.  There we go.  Iíll say that it was never a sexual crush.  And, yes, they do exist.  I think that if she was just two years older...  This will be the girl I look back on and think, ďWhat if..?Ē   One of the group of them.  I donít think she was quite like anyone else.  I often found her to be smarter than a lot of people my age and even myself.   And, yeah, she was adorable.  But this isnít some Humbert Humbert Lolita story.  This is just me talking.  You know me.  Your daughters are safe.

 

I was watching this movie Beautiful Girls for the first time a couple weeks ago.  It was nothing like I expected it would have been back when it first came out in the mid-í90ís.  The part I found most interesting was the main character played by Timothy Hutton and his neighbor who was a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl played by Natalie Portman and their interaction.  He became very infatuated with her, but he played it off.  And you know she dug him.  (Hell, I even dug him.  Ooh, thatís pretty gay, canít take it back.  Make a joke about it.  Ha ha ha ha.  But heís a man, man!--YEAH, baby.  Ooh, behave.)  Anyways, he even found himself getting jealous of her teenage boyfriend.  Of course his friend with the family thought he was sick and the other friend thought it was cool--ĒIf she can cut her own food, sheís fair game.Ē  (As opposed to the ever-popular: ďOld enough to pee, old enough for me.Ē  See, it rhymes so itís funny.  Oh, give me a fucking break, I did not make it up.)  The interaction between the two of them I found very awkward simply because I can picture myself doing that because I have a thing for Queen Amidalla.  Of course I thought she was hot when she was in The Professional.  Granted, she was twelve then, but likewise, granted, I was only sixteen.  Basically, the point is, it is unnatural to have a little thing for a young girl when you yourself are an adult?  I say no.  Just donít do anything about it.  Hey, if you thought they were hot when you were their age, chances are, youíll still have those feelings later on.  This is not a toy you got for Christmas that you outgrow in five months.  This is a real live person.  And like my brother once told me, youth is very sexy.

 

In other words, no, Iím not fucking gay.  Jesus goddamn Christ.

 

John

 

Copyright © 2001 John Lemut