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JWR 2.13 - John's Laws, Law Dog

 

Well, we all know about the 10 Commandments.  Laws.  If you break these laws, then you have sinned.  Now, if you’re a Catholic, you can confess, be forgiven and go about your merry way.  But what about the rest of us?  What are the Huron to do?  If we break God’s laws, is there no salvation?  Well, sure there is, otherwise the population of Heaven would be something like three.  But salvation doesn’t really interest me.  What interests me is why did they take Clerks, the animated series off the air?  And when in the hell is Family Guy coming back?  These are MY concerns.

 

Anyway, the idea of a “commandment” is just freaky.  I spit on the faces of authority and God is no different, aside from God being a non-corporeal entity--i.e.: He lacks a face in which to literally spit.  And I’d be one smote ma’fukka if I were to ever spit in His ye ole face.

 

So, I came up with my own “commandments,” I guess you could call them.  Although I, unlike God, shan’t command anyone.  Also, there will be no old timey words like “thou” in my list.  These are just mild suggestions.  Call them “John’s Suggested Rules to Live By.”

 

JOHN’S SUGGESTED RULES TO LIVE BY:

 

I: Never take anyone at their word.  That “grain of salt” thing comes in really handy.  Always assume that what a person says can easily be wrong, misleading, confused, second or third hand, a half-truth, or a blatant lie.

 

II: Do as much as possible yourself.  Don’t ask for favors unless it is absolutely necessary.  When you do ask for a favor, don’t be surprised if the person forgets, messes it up, or just plain doesn’t do your bidding.

 

III: Keep out of situations that don’t concern you.  Keep your mouth shut and your eyes down.  Avoid conflicts, both physical and verbal, at all costs.

 

IV: Don’t procrastinate.  Do what you must as soon as you can.  Especially resolving issues.  Confront your problems head-on and correct mistakes made.

 

V: Don’t consume too much alcohol.  It makes you affectionate and chatty.  It also takes you out of control, puts your id in control.

 

VI: Say as little as possible to everyone.  It will keep you from tipping your hand and making you sound stupid.

 

VII: Do not give your money away.  You earned it; you spend it on something you want.

 

VIII: Never say “I love you until you REALLY mean it.

 

IX: Don’t be afraid to hit someone.  Just warn them once about why you’re going to hit them.  If they keep it up, layeth the smacketh down.

 

X: Whatever you do, stick to your guns.  Unless you make a mistake, then rule IV.

 

Thank you.  Now, you may be saying to yourself, “What kind of world would we be living in if everyone obeyed this list of suggestions?”  Good question.  For one thing, the new world would be a much quieter place.  Oh, hell yeah.  No rubbernecks yakking on their cellular phones while I’m enjoying a classic white woodstone baked pizza at the Charcoal Chicken, I tell you.  Of course, if everyone believed and did the same things, how boring it would all be.  If we all had the same religion and the same haircut and the same clothes, why, what a bunch of crap.  Infinite diversity in infinite combinations.  The Vulcans truly are an enlightened species.

 

Having said that, just let me tell you the other day I was flipping through the channels and I stopped on MTV.  There was actually music on for a change.  It was Christina Aguilera performing at what I later found our was the 2000 VMA.  So, I put the TV on mute and watched her shake her ass for a couple minutes.  Then, from out of the crowd, Fred Durst comes onstage.  So I cranked the volume.  It was just the lift I needed at that time.  Fred Durst yelling into the mic and Christina “I’m one quarter Peruvian” Aguilera jumping around.  I wish you were there.

 

I’m one quarter sympathetic.  The other three quarters are reserved for drinking beers and kicking ass--and I’m all outta beers!  Yeah, watch yourself.

 

Part of me wants Christina Aguilera’s album.  That genie song is al right.  But, then I look at other stuff I don’t have like Dream Theater and the new Godsmack and I think, John, you just want the pictures in the booklet.  You can find all that stuff on the internet.

 

And speaking of the internet, did you know that you can order stuff on it?  I ordered a magazine subscription via el interneto.  There are actual uses for the internet.  Don’t that beat all?

 

John

 

Copyright © 2001 John Lemut