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JWR 2.9 - Simplify Everything


Iím not a big fan of doctors.  This is probably because those doctors on shows like ER and Gideonís Crossing and General Hospital, I guess, I have never seen.  You know, those young, capable, intelligent, witty doctors who ask you questions and actually spend a little time with you.  Yeah, those guys.  No, Iíve never met one.  My current doctor Iíve seen twice and he doesnít make eye contact.  He comes in late and in a rush and I kind of feel like Iím wasting his time.  Neither time I was sick.  One was a routine exam to clear me for surgery and the other was a check up on me.  (You mean itís not me brain, itís me peepers?)  Yeah, I donít like him.  Luckily I donít need to go see him.  Iím lucky that Iím pretty healthy.  I try not to do too much of the things that would significantly shorten my life, although I donít really do too much to prolong it either.  Itís that whole malaise thing.  My doctor roughly handles me and asks yes/no questions and beats on my glands in my throat for some reason and leaves.  HMO.  Pay up.


Nurses are a different story.  I've heard women complain about how poorly they are treated by nurses when itís them in a hospital, but the men they pamper.  Let me just say, Iím glad Iím a man.  When I was in, I tried not to be a bother.  I never hit my call button.  I just hit the ole morphine drip, thank you very much, WWII.  They came in every fifteen minutes the first night to check my blood pressure.  I was way out of it.  My comically enlarged cheeks, my catheter up the pee pipe, my inability to stomach any meds, my distaste for the beef broth, my dislike of the seven channels on TV, my feet pressing against the wooden end of the too short bed do not tell me to go back.   Iím just glad I was unable to speak.  I wish I still had that luxury.  But when you can talk people expect you to, and at length despite you not having anything to say.


People do not like change.  We like things as they are as long as it is how it was.  Funny, though, how we attempt to change ourselves at all times.  We like our TV shows on at this time, and it should stay that way and Survivor should not be on against it.  Wow, what bliss it was for me in the Ď97 season when my TV lineup for the whole week fell just so.  People say that the creation of an absolute perfect circle is the mark of the pinnacle of achievement, but I say the creation of a perfect week-long television lineup is.  So, change yourself, but leave Will & Grace where it is.


I think a change in oneself is a good thing.  I donít like it being announced, however.  I think thatís my big beef about New Yearís Resolutions.  I think to resolve to do whatever can be a positive thing, but to announce it as people do with resolutions, is bunk.


Having said that, maybe itís time for me to change some things.  Like what, you ask?  Like, why I got to be the funny guy?  I seem to be.  Being funny is tough.  It means never being truly yourself.  Youíre always putting on a face, acting in strange ways and saying strange things.  It also means that while you may be funny to one person, there is the next person who does not like your comedy.  The whole idea of comedy is to entertain people and if someone does not like your comedy, you are not doing your job properly.  This is the curse of comedians and why they can do drama so well, they understand the inner torment.


Stacie asked me in a letter why I thought I had to censor myself at times, for girls, she asked.  Shit yeah, for girls.  The goddamned reason behind every-fucking-thing any man, any straight man, has ever done.  Name something someone like me would do aside from the basic eating, sleeping things and the reason behind them you can trace back to being: FOR GIRLS.


Boozing: make ugly chicks look better.

Exercising: making yourself look better for girls.

Nice car: attract women.

Abercrombie & Fitch clothes: See reason for ďExercising.Ē

Eat well: make it look like youíre intelligent, concerned about yourself so women find it attractive.

Environmental consciousness: make you look intelligent, concerned about the planet and less self-conscious and more globally-conscious.

Spiritualism: well, letís not touch that one just yet.


I told Tiffany one night in an off the cuff way that I didnít feel like a real person, more like a collections of Simpsons and SNL and movie quotations.  Iím like a big comedy filter catching all the funny, cute, crass phrases that come across my ears at any given time.  At work someone asked me how I was able to remember every line from a Simpsons episode after only seeing it once.  I have no idea.  I listen to it.  I catch it because itís funny and I run it by in my mind a few times. maybe even say it right away to get the sound of it in my head and feel the way it is when I say it and itís there.


Without my collection of quotes I would have very little to say because, after a while, you begin to have multiple sayings for every occasion.  And then there are no original thoughts.  You think this Rambling is original?  No, itís been said before but I think the fact that someone you know is saying it for a change, it makes it readable and digestible.


And to paraphrase the Fugees: I throw in a ďmotherfuckerĒ so you illiterates hear me.  Plus, I like using motherfucker.  It makes me feel good.  It makes me feel powerful.  And power is a fleeting and imaginary feeling in this world.  Sleep tight.


DTA  So, who can you trust?  Me, Iím giving away free money.  And where is the Batman.  Heís at home, washing his tights.  Can you trust a doctor?  I actually can, I just donít like mine.  Put a man in a white coat and you must trust him. You trust a doctor to save your life from invisible illness and disease.  You trust a butcher to not sell you Mad Cow.  You trust the glasses guy at LensCrafters to not give you girly frames.  You trust the flasher not to poke you in the eye.  (Now thatís original.)


Do you trust me?  Trust me not to lie to you; trust me to attempt to tell you something in a creative and hopefully entertaining way; trust me to stay on my side of the car; trust me not to peek while youíre changing; trust me to stay away from your sister; trust me not to spill your secret; trust me not to touch you; trust me not to hurt you; trust me not to die on you?  Because I donít really trust you.  Ashes and dust.  Strength and honor.


Do everything/Simplify.  There was this episode of Ed on a couple weeks ago and I didnít see it until the end but two polar philosophies permeated the show.  The first was the Thoreau ideal of simplifying.  Move to the woods, throw off the shackles of society and responsibility and just live.  The other was from a guy who nearly died who decided to live life to the fullest, live every moment like his last, carpe diem, baby!, (please fill in your own clichť.)  Ed stood on top of the mountain by the end of the episode looking at a copy of Walden in one hand and this guyís manifesto ďDo EverythingĒ in the other.  Do I sit on my balcony with a beer and some tunes watching the minivans and SUVs drive to and from the mall or do I go and run and conquer and live and meet and greet and love and hate and fall and stand?  Let me crack open a reeb and think about it.




Copyright © 2001 John Lemut