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JWR 2.8 - Pierce My Tattoo
“I ride the dirt, I ride the tide...”
I don’t remember why I got my ear pierced that first time when I was 17. I don’t remember why I did it the second, third, or fourth time. But not a day goes by that I don’t realize they are there. I don’t want them out. I don’t care what others think. (Oh, before I get started, I feel obligated to make a correction from a previous Rambling: “A Funny Deity”: I said that the Rapture was coming in 2002, while I should’ve said this is the best estimate, after all, this is religion, not science.) Speaking of, my brother asked me to think about what the earring symbolizes. He thinks it’s something of a gender-crossing event rather than what it is: nothing.
He thinks we should possibly go back to women wearing skirts and not pants and men being to bread winner. Guys shouldn’t wear earrings and women should walk two steps behind the man, maybe? I don’t understand what the big deal is. I like pants on ladies, [CHEAP JOKE MISSING]. I like my earrings. What’s the big deal? The fall begins with a little step. But so does change. But change isn’t always a good thing. Change is the essence of life; stagnation is bad.
We tease women, but the truth as I see it (a.k.a.: my opinion) is women are just as capable as men in nearly everything. We men can pee standing so much better. Now, when you come to the point of picking someone to be with, maybe instead of picking someone who gives good fellatio or cunnilingus, you should pick someone with whom you can hold a good conversation. Or someone that challenges you to think or be a better person. Little details like who’s going to work can be decided later. (Most likely you’ll both work unless one of you has a really good job or you like living week to week drinking Fudd beer and shopping at the Try’n’Save.
And besides, if women are going to go back to being housewives only, who’s gonna be my sugarmama?
All this over my earrings. Do you think some people think I’m a bad person because I have them? Idiots. I’m a bad man ‘cause I do bad things. Like not washing my hands after going #1. Yeah, I’m a bad man [grab at collar and brush tip of nose]. And I only put pennies in the donation jars at supermarkets and food eateries. And those take-a-penny-leave-a-penny trays at gas stations, I only TAKE. Sometimes I’ll take two or three, and if the attendant says something, I’ll just look at him like he’s wasting my time and then I says, “Hasta a vista, baby.” Yeah! Bad man.
Part of me wants to take out the earring in my cartilage because I still have problems with it from time to time, like a slight infection. Then I think of all the joy it has caused. Then, after those two seconds are up I kind of forget about it. I think I’m done with the piercings unless they can somehow come up with a way to pierce nipples. If they could only do that, I would so be there. Yeah, too bad we can put a man on the moon but can’t pierce nipples. Say nothing about a cock ring.
Now tattoos. There’s some fun to be had. But there are certain tats to not get. For example, do not get names of family members tattooed on your body, living or dead. I know a guy that got both of his sisters’ names tatted on his arm. Now, this being the time that it is, they’re not his full sisters. One is his half-sister, Nikki, and the other is not even his sister. No blood there at all. The other is his step-father’s daughter’s daughter. It’s just that his mom and step-father adopted the kid for various reasons. Yeah, in retrospect maybe it would look to him like he jumps into things without thinking, maybe. I vaguely know this other guy who got his last name tattooed on his arm. Which is sincerely stupid. I mean, it seems to me that this guy really wanted a tattoo but had no idea what to get. “Uh, let’s see, uh...uh...I want, uh, my last name.” “Where?” “Uh...oh, uh, hmmm...”
Also, I think getting Japanese or Chinese pictographs is rather dumb especially if you are a) not Asian or b) do not speak or write the language or c) both. First, how do you even know that they mean what they say they mean? “Yeah, this is the symbol for ‘strength’ and this one is for ‘wisdom’.” When in reality they say “I’m a dumb shit who can’t read.” I don’t care how cool they look, and they do look cool, be careful.
Actually, any words in any language I’d advise to stay away from. Just the idea of words being tattooed seems stupid to me. Basically, the idea of this comes from tattooing being an art and in art words are more or less unnecessary or redundant and they can get in the way. If you need words to accompany the piece, then there is something wrong with the piece.
Tribal stuff is very common which is a drawback, but that stuff is so cool that it’ll offset the commonality of it. Plus there’s so much that the chances of you running into someone who has the exact same tattoo has got to be tiny and even if you did it wouldn’t be like a couple ladies running into each other at a party with the same gown on. Guys don’t care about that stuff. “Hey, you have the same tattoo on your throat as me, one of us has to leave. Pick a number from one to ten...Got it?” “Yeah.” “What is it?” “Eleven.” “Damn! Have a good time.”
Me, I like mine. I like that I designed them and that they’re out of sight usually. I don’t regret them. People said that I’d regret getting them, if not right away, then when I’m old and wrinkled. Well, I’m a big boy and I think I can take the regret. It’s not like I cried and winced like a bitch when he brutally tatted the one on the inside of my arm. Although, I imagine if he had done it on my back, I would’ve. Maybe. Doubt it. I don’t regret it. And I think when I’m older I’ll have more important things to regret than my fucking tattoos.
I drew mine up right before the guy got there and they’re simple, yet elegant, much like myself. I toyed with the idea of getting a bar code tat, but they’re ugly and I don’t want to cement my place in hell in case I’m wrong. Might as well get a tattoo across my forehead that reads HELL’S MINION.
Then there are dumb places to get tattoos. On the breast. Ladies, why do you want to mess up your nice breasts? Guys, this will cause you to want to wear your shirts unbuttoned. Do not do it. Ass tattoos. This is just stupid. Who’s gonna see it and of your whole body, I have to think your ass gets the most changed, some of your butts get a lot of abuse, [DIRTY JOKE MISSING]. Forearms. It simply looks out of balance to have a tattoo that low on your arm. Pelvic region. Leave the beauty alone. Getting a tattoo near or on where a pubic patch is or was is kind of like putting an outhouse in the middle of an undisturbed forest for the animals to use. It just uglies up the area despite the good intentions. And you gotta cut down some trees to make room for it and then maintain that trimmed area. Let nature flourish. Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes. Why? Because he’s a bear, even in he had it he would not use a shitter. Now, the Pope might.
Now, I have to change the subject before I go and tell you all that I bought a Jesus night light. To use the very popular saying of my mother when she buys crap: “It was only a dollar.” Like that makes it all right. Now I feel like I’ve put myself in an uncomfortable position, like the back seat of a Saturn.
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
And if my face becomes sincere
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn
Copyright © 2001 John Lemut